


In Silent Screams

by writingsfromafangirl



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Lost Love, Love, M/M, One Shot, School Reunion
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-14
Updated: 2017-09-14
Packaged: 2018-04-20 20:30:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4801241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writingsfromafangirl/pseuds/writingsfromafangirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>little high school reunion AU/high school AU where Dean and Castiel meet each other again at a high school reunion but it doesn't go as well as planned.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_Italics = flashback_

Dean was unexcited about some 20 year high school reunion to say the least. It seemed so incredibly pointless but he still, by some off work of God, found himself responding with a “yes I’ll be attending” to some classmate who had organized the event.

The event was a pizzeria all the teens went to after school on Fridays. So, Dean knew he’d at least be getting some good food out of this, if all else was crappy.

He did his best to prepare himself for who he’d see and the comments his old classmates would make. They’d probably used the weak, “Oh! I’m so sorry we lost touch!” apologetic line. The line no one even meant but still said to act like they still weren’t some stuck up jackass. Or perhaps they’ll try to avoid them, and pretend none of them had picked on him for 4 years.

There was one person who actually made him feel like he was special. Like he was someone that everyone in the world should pay attention to. But Dean hadn’t heard from him in years and probably even doubted he’d be attending this -- he too found his and Dean’s high school classmates to be pathetic -- but then there was some strange hope in his mind.

Yet here he was, outside the pizzeria, just staring at the entrance while sitting in his outdated car. He saw some people walking in. He could barely remember any of them from the tormented high school years but figured they'd remember him well. Dean barely changed at all.

Dean hesitantly got out of his car, slammed the door shut, and took his time getting to the pizzeria's entrance. He slid one hand in his slacks pants as the other reached for the door handle, yanking it open.

The small of fried food was the first thing he noticed. The second was the hostess asking him if he was there for the reunion. Dean nodded and she escorted him to a banquet room.

There weren’t many people in the banquet room but Dean could recognize a few of them. Especially the only talking the loudest. A woman standing around a husband and wife. She was the head cheerleader, Dean recalled. But he was drawing a blank when it came to her name. He knew she must’ve been the one to plan all this. She was one of those girls who loved high school so much because she was popular.

He skimmed his eyes over a little and by the window was a boy he remembered from his science classes. He was always a funny guy and pretty friendly back then but when his eyes landed on Dean, he quickly hurried to some woman’s side, engaging her into a conversation.

Dean sighed and looked around at the other groups that filled the room. He saw a group of acquaintances that had tolerated him during lunch. He gave a small wave to them and they waved back. But, right when he was about to start making his way to them, a familiar voice came from behind him.

“Dean?”

Castiel. Dean’s heart leaped a bit. Slowly he turned around to see his old best friend standing in the doorway, dressed up, both hands carelessly in his pockets, giving off a radiating smile.

Oh god, did that smile take Dean back.

_It was an autumn Friday night and Dean and Castiel had went out for some ice cream. It was on the warmer side of autumn but that didn’t stop either of them from craving a vanilla milkshake from the pizzeria. It was a weird combination: a milkshake at a pizzeria, but there was nowhere else for miles._

__

_Castiel and Dean picked a booth in the back, next to a window overlooking the parking lot._

__

_“So, how do you think you did on the English test?” Dean asked after they had ordered one milkshake to split._

__

_Castiel chuckled. “Failed it.”_

__

_Dean smiled. “Same here,”_

__

_“Who even needs to know verb tenses or whatever?” Castiel smiled, shaking his head. There was that smile, Dean thought._

__

_“Exactly.”_

__

_Their conversations were always this small and pointless but still held a special spot in Dean’s heart. And, secretly, he hoped Castiel was in the same boat._

__

_Few moments later, the waitress brought back one vanilla milkshake and two spoons. They both always preferred to eat the milkshake with a spoon. It took longer, making them savor the milkshake._

__

_As they were about to debate who got the whipped cream, a group of football players walked in. Game must’ve ended, Dean thought and turned back to Castiel._

__

_“So, I get the whipped cream?” Dean asked, but it came out as more a declaration._

__

_Castiel snorted. “Keep dreaming,”_

__

_He gave in and let Castiel eat all the whipped cream in one bite. As he did, Dean also noticed the football players walking past. Some of them noticed Cas and Dean. Faintly they could hear them chuckling and saying, “dorks.”. One, at the end of the group, even hit Castiel in the back of the head. Not enough to seriously hurt him but enough to make him choke on his whipped cream. Castiel just shook his head, swallowed the rest, and looked back up at Dean. Dean was just sitting there, his spoon hovering over the glass._

__

_“You want first dibs, or shall I?” Castiel chuckled. He always kept his spirits light, Dean noticed. Even when they first met in English class, Dean could see just how hard it was to make Castiel upset. It was sort of...adorable._

__

_“You aren’t going to say anything to them?” Dean motioned to the athletes, who had found their seat in a booth a few feet away. Despit already knowing the answer, he still felt he had to break Castiel out of this shell of positivity._

__

_Castiel shrugged and smirked. “They didn’t kill me, did they?”_

__

_Dean shook his head._

__

_“Life is too short to be going after every little thing that bothers you. You just gotta get through it and move on.”_

__

_And with that inspirational, memorable quote, Castiel took a big scoop of the half-melted milkshake._

_Dean just stared back at him. “You’re right.” He mumbled and followed Castiel’s lead of taking a scoop._

__

_Castiel just smiled as they stared at each other._

**  
**

“Castiel… Hello.” Dean stretched out his hand for Castiel to shake but instead, he was pulled into a passionate hug. Dean didn’t hesitate to hug him back, blushing ever so slightly.

They pulled away but still stayed close to each other.

“How… how have you been?” Castiel asked as they moved to a vacant standing table near the corner of the room. They both ordered soda when a waitress came around.

Dean shrugged. “I’ve been alright. Just getting by. How have you been?”

Castiel sort of looked down at the table and then back at Dean before responding. “I’ve got nothing to complain about.”

Dean chuckled. Of course he didn’t.

“How was Columbia? Must’ve been exciting.” Dean’s voice was laced with a little bit of bitterness. Castiel had gone off to Columbia college to be an English major. Which was ironic as hell, seeing as how much Castiel hated English sophomore year. But, he swore senior year, something clicked in him and Columbia was the route to go.

Castiel was shocked by the question. It was not a good subject for either of them to be touching on...

_“What?!” Dean screamed at Castiel, who was still seated on his couch. The Columbia University pamphlet fell out of Dean’s hands. Castiel sat with his head down, not daring to look up at his upset boyfriend. “This… this wasn’t part of any plan!”_

__

_Going into senior year, Castiel and Dean had started dating. Halfway through, they had made plans to go to the community college a few towns over and move into an apartment together. But Castiel decided that wasn’t his best option. He had presented Dean with a pamphlet for Columbia University in Chicago. Before even getting to completely explain his option, Dean had blown up._

__

_“Just… please, Dean. Listen…” Castiel begged, finally looking up to meet Dean’s rage. Dean tried to steady his breathing and waited for his boyfriend to elaborate. “It’s such a good school with one of the best writing programs in the country, it could really benefit me.”_

__

_Dean shook his head in disbelief. “Since when is writing your favorite thing?”_

__

_Castiel shrugged. “I just found it intriguing now. My teacher this year is just great i just… i found a new interest, I really enjoy it.” He finally stood up to face Dean. “It’s a really promising career.”_

__

_Castiel reached to take Dean’s hand with his but Dean finched away._

__

_“What about the community college? What… what about me?” Dean choked out the words, pushing back the tears._

__

_“The community college is fantastic but this… this can just be so good for me. And you… I love you. I’ll come visit you whenever you want me to.”_

__

_Dean took a small step back. “That’s not good enough.”_

__

_“Dean, please. I can’t go off to college if I know you hate me for it.” Castiel’s eyes began to water as he spoke softly._

__

_Dean contemplated the words for a second. Castiel was right. It wasn’t fair to him if Dean was holding him back from such an incredible future._

__

_He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. “Alright… we… we can make up some schedule or something…”_

__

_“Shh…” He heard Castiel moving closer. “Let’s just focus on the fact I’m here right now.”_

__

_And with that they were on the couch making out. Which then led to the bedroom and too the most memorable night neither of the boys could ever really erase from their minds._

**  
**

“It was incredible.” Castiel finally answered, unsure if that was the right choice of words. “I’m an editor for a Chicago newspaper now. Just came down here for this semi-pathetic reunion.”

“Well, it is for our high school class. Did you expect anything that wasn’t pathetic?” Dean tried to keep it light, trying to ignore the fact he had even brought it up in the first place. He could see the hurt in Castiel's eyes but did his best to ignore it.

They both let out loud laughs, earning stares from the others in the room. They both coughed to cover the laughs but then chuckled to themselves.

“Glad to hear you’re doing well.” Dean said after a while.

Castiel nodded. “And yourself? Where do you work?”

“Just at a hunting supply store downtown.” Dean shrugged, suddenly feeling like the biggest underachiever ever. He always seemed to be like that around Castiel but it never bothered him until now.

“Oh, you always enjoyed the outdoors.” Castiel emotionlessly mumbled.

“Yeah.” Dean mumbled and took a sip of his drink.

The rest of the night seemed to be a blur. There was more chatter between him and Castiel but it was still small and pointless. Guess somethings never change from high school.

By the end of the night, Dean had managed to talk to two other classmates but always found himself at Castiel’s side. It felt… right. Despite the relationship being evaporated for 20 years. He still had this feeling he belonged next to Castiel, like a companion.

The two began walking out of the pizzeria together hours later after Castiel declared he had to be up early to catch a plane back to Chicago.

They stood in the parking lot, just staring at each other, as his other classmates made their way back to their cars.

“It was good to see you again, Dean.” Castiel said and tried to turn to walk to his car but Dean quickly grabbed his hand. Quickly, as if working on some adrenaline, pulled Castiel into a deep, passionate kiss. Dean’s heart dropped when Castiel began kissing back, as if it was unexpected. Why was it unexpected? This was his first love. He was Castiel’s first love. There was always those feelings, always that connection…

Castiel pulled away when Dean’s arms went up to his neck. Castiel took a few steps back, as if trying to comprehend what he did. Dean felt like the biggest fool ever. Maybe the connection was gone… those feelings could have evaporated with the relationship. Like really, who hangs onto a relationship from 20 years ago, Dean asked himself.

“Good… good night, Dean.”

With that, Dean saw his only love walk to his car and pull out of the parking lot, all the way out of town. As he had so, so long ago.

 


	2. In Wildest Dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> high school reunion AU/high school AU  
> This time where Castiel returned home from the reunion and starts unwillingly reminiscing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I never imagined of making this into a multiple part fic but here we are  
> (still unsure if I'm going to continue to a part 3..?)  
> on and I gave this chapter a title
> 
> basically I feel this entire thing reminds me of 'This Love' by Taylor Swift  
> (and -- as you can tell -- the titles come from the song)

Castiel’s POV

_italics = flashbacks_

 

Castiel felt a heavy emptiness in him as he drove away, still tasting Dean on his lips. It was a haunting taste, one that was always there, ever since high school.

And that kiss… not only did he still taste it, he felt it in his entire body. His heart ached, his hands shook… God, he hated that. He hated how Dean always got to him, even in simple ways, like kissing. The kisses always hurt him afterwards but wow, did they feel like he was being blessed.

_The first time they had kissed it was cold. It was a cold December evening and both of them had returned to Dean’s house after shopping for Christmas gifts at the mall. Dean offered Castiel a cup of hot chocolate and Castiel quickly accepted._

_“Let’s sit on the porch.” Castiel suggested as Dean went to move into the living room. He gave the boy a puzzled look._

_“It’s cold.” Dean chuckled._

_“We’ll bundle up. It’s a beautiful night, Dean.” Castiel pleaded and set his mug of hot chocolate on the counter as he retrieved his coat from the hook. Dean agreed and threw on his coat as well._

_Dean brushed off the bench on the porch and pulled around a glass outdoor table in front of it. He and Castiel sat pretty close at one end. Neither boy said a thing for a while, both just looked out onto the bright snowy December night, taking it in._

_“You were right, it’s beautiful.” Dean whispered, as if he would awake the gentle night by speaking too loudly._

_Castiel took a sip of his hot chocolate and whispered, “Winter is always beautiful.”_

_Something between them stirred. It was a small loving vibe. Castiel could feel it but didn’t know if Dean could, too. Maybe it was just the cold getting to him. Or maybe it was the fact he was sitting there, staring at his best friend, abruptly  falling in love._

_“Thank you,” Castiel whispered, looking at Dean. Dean looked away from the front yard._

_“For what?” He chuckled._

_“For being here. For being my best friend.”_

_Castiel felt his cheeks go warm as Dean just stared at him, his mouth slightly open in amazement. Suddenly, Castiel felt insecure, even a bit embarrassed. He quickly averted his eyes back to his now cooled off hot chocolate. Although, he couldn’t seem to move his entire head away from Dean._

_Suddenly, Castiel felt a pair of soft lips upon his. It took him by surprise but it was still incredible. He could feel every ounce of Dean’s love for him in the kiss, and nothing had ever felt better._

Castiel tried shaking his thoughts as he stood in his lonely motel room bathroom, brushing his teeth. He was ashamed of himself -- ashamed of pushing Dean away. He hadn’t even thought much about Dean until he got the reunion invite. Castiel felt pathetic, maybe even a bit mad at himself.

That night he couldn’t even get himself to go to sleep. Instead his brain was haunted by so many little things that never dared to surface until Dean had unexpectedly kissed him. He didn’t know if he could really say Dean had Castiel under his spell but it was something very close to that.

Castiel sat on his bed, watching the bright sun rise. It hit his eyes but he didn’t look away, too upset about the fact that even just the sun riding took him back to so many locked away places in his memory.

_Castiel stirred as the early morning sun started to peak through the flimsy blinds. He sighed, and took in the sight around him. It was Dean’s room. And he could feel Dean still sleeping next to him. Dean’s arms was draped around him, his head was resting on Castiel’s shoulder. Castiel’s head was on Dean’s chest. The blankets barely covered them._

_Castiel did his best to not wake Dean when he tried to sit up but he head Dean groan. He turned to look at him and Dean was blinking to wake up. Castiel moved to sit at the edge of the bed and rummage around the discarded clothes for his pants and shirt._

_“Morning.” Dean grumbled as he watched Castiel start to get dressed. “Where you going?”_

_Castiel shrugged. “I should go.”_

_Dean sat up quickly. “Why?”_

_“You know why.” Castiel mumbled and slid his shirt on. He couldn’t be around Dean anymore. He had basically broke up with him last night after telling him about Columbia. The keep in touch and visit shit was such bullshit. They both knew they couldn’t make it work and Castiel could except that. Dean couldn’t._

_Sure, Castiel had said “I’m here now” last night but that “now” was over. It was time to move on. They got their romantic, goodbye evening together. It wasn’t healthy to dwell on what could be._

_“You aren’t leaving me yet, you’re still here for a while!” Dean exclaimed as he jumped out of bed and grabbed Castiel’s arm._

_“Dean, please…” Castiel mumbled, trying to stop the tears that were quickly forming. He kept his eyes on Dean’s hand._

_“What… what about the schedule? Plans to visit one another?” Dean’s voice cracked. Castiel’s heart dropped._

_“I love you but we… we know what’s going to happen.” Castiel whispered and forced his arm out of Dean’s grip. Before there could be anymore words exchanged, Castiel bolted out of the house._

The empty heaviness got heavier as Castiel continued to stare out the window. The sun was now all the way in the sky, brightening up the vastness of the town.

Castiel got up from the bed and shifted to the desk in the hotel room, where his laptop sat. After logging on he made a bold decision: he canceled his plane ticket.

He had unfinished business in this town.


	3. I Never Dreamed of This

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 3 of 'In Silent Screams'  
> Dean's emotions after the high school reunion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is so short i'm so sorry the next part will be longer okay okay okay sORRY

Dean finally realized just how lonely he really was. Despite living in a condo all alone, he had never considered himself lonely. Until now.

He paced around his room, trying to rid himself of the feeling. It was a familiar thing to him. It was that that same soul wrenching, sinking feeling he got after Castiel had went off to college.

It was such a dark time but a time that Dean couldn't erase from his mind. He had never felt so alone during those months but over time, the darkness faded with the light, becoming such a normal feeling. It was scary but how else could he get by...

_He spent that entire fall, winter, and even part of spring trying to wash away all the heartbreak Castiel had left him with._

_Dean refused to leave his bed. It had been a week since Castiel decided going miles and miles away for college was best for him and Dean was just now feeling all the pain it brought him. Everything seemed to be a chore, now. For example, just getting dressed in the morning seemed pointless. Who was he impressing? Who was important anymore? Dean didn’t know._

_The beeping of Dean’s alarm brought him out of his thoughts. Shit. He forgot to sleep. Okay, maybe not ‘forgot’. Just simply...didn’t. Whatever. Dean sat up on the edge of the bed and looked out of the window. The sun shined through from behind the blinds._

_“He’s out there,” Dean thought, still absentmindedly staring at the window. “Out there and finding like is okay without me. And I’m here.”_

_Dean groaned and finally managed to get out of bed. He took a quick shower and threw on some outfit. He didn’t really pay attention to much anymore. Dean just focused on getting through the day and back to sleeping, where in his dreams, Castiel was still holding him._

_Dean drove to his job at the hunting supply store. The traffic was terrible but that was alright with Dean. It gave him more time to think. More time to soak in his sadness. It was a horrible addiction but without the thoughts of Castiel, he was lost._

_That was the first fall of many where Dean would have to get on without Castiel. In the beginning of winter, it hit him so bad he didn’t come into work for a week. He was lucky he didn’t lose his job but it’s not like he would’ve minded._

_By the end of winter, Dean was doing his best to move on, until he got a letter from Castiel. At this point, Dean was numb. So numb that he left the letter under his bed. For months afterwards he was so tempted to read it but knew if he did, he would be writing back, begging Castiel to come home. But that was pathetic. It was pathetic to pull his love away from something he wanted so badly._

_By spring, Dean was holding his head high. He was eating more. There was life in him. He thought maybe he had gotten over Castiel. He even temporarily got excited for Castiel to come back for the summer. But Dean didn’t know if everything would go back to normal. That thought almost made him sad again so he quickly pushed it away and continued on with his own life. The hunting supply store was a nice place to work because if he were to get upset again, he could head out back and just shoot at trees._

_In summer, Dean didn’t get his hopes up for Castiel’s return and he was smart not to. Castiel never came back to town._

Dean tossed and turned in bed. He had convinced himself to try to get some sleep but that was nearly impossible. For the first time in a long time, he was kept up by his emotions. It was not something that he’d missed.

He got about an hour asleep from 3 AM to 4 AM, then was forced awake by sun creeping in through the tiny window above his bed at around 8 AM. Dean felt stupid lying there, letting his vision be blocked by the sun. He felt like a teenager, again. Like the heartbroken teenager he always found himself to be. It was no comfort to him. Instead, he just rolled his eyes at his thoughts and sat up in bed.

After a long shower and the careful choosing of his clothes, Dean stood in the kitchen making bacon and eggs. He watched the eggs turn to the that fluffy yellow color and for the bacon to get the right amount of crispy, then slid them onto his paper plate. He carried his glass of orange juice and made himself comfortable on his couch.

Dean was feeling less lonely at this point. Everything was in it’s routine and overall, it looked like he didn’t need Castiel. He was great at putting up that front.

There was a small, hesitant knock as Dean’s door when he was about to start on his bacon. He jumped at the sound and slowly put his plate and juice on the coffee table.

After wiping his hands on his dress pants, he moved across the room, to the quaint doorway. Dean’s heart sank when he saw the person on the other side of the door. Cautiously, he opened the door and took a deep breath. His hands shook but his voice was strong.

“Castiel.”

Castiel whispered, barely composing himself, “Dean."

 


	4. This Love Is Good, This Love Is Bad

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello yes yes I know I am super late with updating I think I'm literally like nearly a year late I have no idea.  
> I get these really bad periods of writers block that literally don't go away until I muster up the courage to start writing and I also always second guess everything I write???? I get like worried??? idk anyways. here you goooo.
> 
> (as always, italics = flashback)

Castiel just stood there after his lips had slickly spoke of Dean's name. What could he say? Why had he showed up here again? Was this the worst idea he had ever had?

"Would you... would you like to come in?" Dean finally was the one to speak.

Castiel nodded. He pushed all doubts aside and entered the condo. He looked around at the small living room, peaked down a hall, and found himself settling on standing in the kitchen. The place was alright, he had to admit, but way smaller than his own.

"Want anything to drink?" Dean asked as he followed Castiel into the kitchen.

"Do you have whiskey? I could go for whiskey right now." Castiel was speaking faster. He was getting nervous and hopefully Dean couldn't tell

Dean didn't say anything. He just went to the cabinet, pulled out a bottle and two glasses. He placed them on the counter and poured some in each glass. Castiel gave a mumbled "thank you" when Dean handed him the glass.

There was silence. Such sad, heavy, draining silence. It wasn't until both their glasses were empty and Dean had began refilling them did someone speak up.

"What a cute place you have," Castiel observed. 

"How'd you know I lived here?" Dean asked.

A year or so ago Castiel had wanted to send Dean another letter. He got his new address from his family and even bought stamps but decided against the letter later on.

"I... long story." Castiel confessed.

The silence. It was back. The conversation had been so light at the reunion but now, to be together once again in such an intimate setting was intimidating. 

After his third whiskey, Dean was lightening up. Almost amused by the fact he was once again facing Castiel but mostly just getting upset.

"Why are you here?"

In some weird sense, Castiel was glad Dean had snapped.

"Because," Dean let out a breath. "I've been standing here trying to figure out why you could possibly be here. You have had years to stroll back in and you do it now? Like, right now? How come?"

The air in the room got heavy. 

Castiel didn't know what to say.

"God, please! Just fucking tell me!" Dean screamed and slammed his glass on the table. Castiel could hear it crack on the bottom but he quickly forgot about it when he saw the pure anger in Dean's eyes.

"Look, I swear, I can explain..."

 

_ Summer had arrived in Chicago and Castiel could feel it. There was a new vibe on campus: light, fresh, carefree. It was intoxicating and even almost made him forget about finals but his professors surely did not let that happpen. _

_ After class one day, Castiel went back to his dorm and began planning out a trip to visit Dean for the summer.  _

_ As he was just about to confirm the plane ticket, Castiel’s roommate walked in. His roommate was an interesting man. He was very bold and said the first thing he thought. Castiel wondered if he had some sort of mental issue. _

_ However, on top of everything, his roommate was very noisy.  _

_ He peaked over Castiel’s shoulder. After seeing Castiel checking out plane tickets for Kansas, his roommate became disgusted and truly did not hide it. _

_ “You’re gonna go visit that Dean dude? Seriously, man?” His roommate scoffed. _

_ Castiel had told him everything about Dean and their relationship, including the fights before Castiel left for college.  _

_ “Yeah,” Castiel shrugged. “I miss him.” _

_ “He tried to keep you away from doing what you love. What kind of person does that?”  _

_ Oh yeah, his roommate didn’t sugar coat anything. _

_ “We just… I don’t know. I broke our future plans. It was my fault.” Castiel insisted. _

_ His roommate let out a humorless laugh. “It’s not your fault you couldn’t see yourself in some deadbeat life with him, in an apartment, going to a community college.” _

_ Castiel tried not to listen but the words got to him. It was all he had explained to Dean. He didn’t want to be in some community college. He wanted to go, be free, experience something new, get a higher, maybe better, education. _

_ “But I do love him.” That was all Castiel could manage to respond with. _

_ “He didn’t even respond to your letter.” _

_ Castiel sighed. “Maybe he’s busy.” _

_ “Maybe he moved on.” _

_ That stung. That one little phrase took a toll on Castiel. Dean couldn’t… Dean could never… right? _

_ “No, no…” Castiel couldn’t make the words sound believable. _

_ “Alright, say he didn’t. You go back to him, he’s so delighted you’re there. You two make up or whatever but then it’s fall. It’s time for you to leave and he’s breaking out the sad eyes and the begging to get you to stay. Won’t he just be going through all that heartache once again?” _

_ Crap. He had a point. It was such a good point. Castiel had never thought about it like that but it made such perfect sense. He could stay away and just spare them both the pain. _

_ With nothing else to say or do, Castiel shut his laptop. _

 

Dean’s eyes had morphed from anger, to confusion, back to anger, then stopped at sadness all throughout Castiel’s explanation. 

“I’m so sorry, Dean.” Castiel whispered.

“You were gonna come back. You intended to.” Dean said with amazement. Castiel had never stopped loving him, he just didn’t know what was best. 

“Of course I was going to but then I’d be right back out the door before you’d know it.” Castiel shook his head. “And then right after college I started interning and working and it’s all been crazy from there. I couldn’t come back but I wish every night I did.”

“If you did come back would you have stayed?” Dean asked so gently.

“Probably. I mean, look at me right now. I’m standing in your kitchen when I should be on a plane back to Chicago.” Castiel whispered.

The room heated. Everything got more intimate, as if that had really been possible.

Castiel looked for some emotion in Dean but found a blank slate until he kissed him.


	5. This Love Is Alive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello wow i suddenly decided to write more after a year of doing nothing i apologize and hope people even still care about this.
> 
> im sorry if this isnt going how anyone wanted it to??
> 
> also did i ever tell anyone i hate getting emails that say people comment on my fics cuz it gives me so much anxiety and i'll never know why
> 
> (italics = flashback)

The kiss came out of nowhere and while Dean knew this wasn’t right, yet he didn’t to be the first to pull away. It was captivating and so much more passionate than the one in the parking lot. It nearly took Dean’s breath away. There was nothing to do but stay in this moment, lips pressed together until the intensity fizzled out. Then, just maybe, they could both start thinking right.

Castiel was the first to pull away. Dean shook his head when they separated, slightly disappointed in himself. He was always the one caring too much, loving too much… it would be his downfall someday and he knew it. But,  _god_ , how much he missed those lips on his, how much he missed the love of his life standing in the same room as him.

“We can’t do this,” Dean whispered and turned his back on Castiel. He didn’t want to look at him. The longer he looked the more he’d want Castiel to stay but for once maybe it was okay to push him away.

“What?” Castiel was appalled by this statement. He did not show up here for this. He showed up because he wanted to prove to himself and maybe even Dean that this was still something, there was still a certain kind of magic, but things were taking an odd turn.

“You cannot play with me like this. Sure, you’re here right now but what happens when it’s really time for you to go back? Huh? What happens to me? I get pushed away and left wanting _you_. God, it’d be like I’m 18 all over that,” The anger had risen in Dean again and he was sure letting it show too easily. It was frustrating him even more than at it had many years ago. He just wanted Castiel to _stay_ but it was so unrealistic and that’s what hurt too much.

Castiel was silent for a moment, trying to take in the hurtful truth Dean threw at him.

“Come with me,” Castiel said out of the blue. He felt this time he really meant it. Unlike the first time those three words slipped out…

_Castiel was a week away from his college move in day. Dean forced him to meet up with him at the same pizzeria they had come to cherish. Castiel was doing his best to make this less painful for the both of them but it was clearly tearing Dean apart._

_They sat across from one another in their normal booth as if it was routine. However, this time, there was no playfulness between them. There was no vanilla milkshake with whip cream to battle for. There was no cheese pizza they would indulge in after finals. It was just the two of them and their weary hearts spread out in the open._

_Castiel could barely read Dean’s face as he searched for any emotions. His eyes were heavy and under them were dark circles. He sniffled a lot, too, but they both pretended not to notice. Dean found Castiel looked vibrant. He had a glow to him, almost a twinkle in his eyes. It tore Dean up not being able to see if his now ex-boyfriend even cared at all._

_“Hey,” Castiel said after too long of a silence._

_Dean nodded._

_“What are we doing here?” Castiel did his best to hide his annoyance but he couldn’t help it. He had a lot left to do at home before leaving and this… well he thought he had said everything that one night months ago._

_“Just thought it would be a nice hang out before you go off,” Dean shrugged. It was sort of the truth. The other part of it being he just wanted to see Castiel._

_Castiel nodded his head in agreement. “Should we order something?"_

_They felt like strangers suddenly. As if the time they had spent together went out the window._

_“I’m not hungry, but if you are-,”_

_“Dean, are you alright?” Castiel cut him off._

_Dean’s eyes grew wide with anger at the stupid question Castiel dared to spit out. Of course he wasn’t okay._

_“Am I alright? You want to know if I am_ alright _?_ _You fucking know I am not alright and I will never be because the man I love just decided to pack up leave. And what makes it a hundred times worse is he’s sitting here across from me acting like he doesn’t give a shit!” Dean’s voice raised greatly as he let all built up emotions flow out. It stung Castiel to hear him talk this way. Castiel was hurting, he was sad, he just couldn’t find ways to show it._

_With an amazingly calm tone, Castiel said, “Come with me,”_

_Dean’s fists hit the table. “Come_ with _you? Where would I stay, hmm? What would I do, genius? How about you don’t drop everything like it’s nothing, alright? What about that?” Dean was still yelling and drawing quite the looks his way. Castiel tried raising his hand to shush Dean but it was no use. “I can’t leave, dammit. I still have shit around here I care about, unlike you.”_

_With that, Dean got up from the booth and walked right out of the pizzeria. He was suddenly regretting all he had said. He didn’t mean most of it, he was just angry. All the rage he had built up from the last few months needed an escape and it was freed at the wrong time._

_He should’ve said yes, that he will go with him but that was insane. Castiel can’t just ask Dean to pick up his life because he decided to go off and do whatever. There wouldn’t be room for him. He couldn’t stay in the dorms, he can’t just find a job so suddenly, on top of it he barely had enough saved up to buy himself a burger let alone a place in a whole different city. Sure, he may have lied about having stuff around here he cares about but he just said it as a dig at Castiel. And now he was feeling like an asshole._

_God, was he going to miss this man. It was going to be the death of him._

“Excuse me?” Dean whispered as he turned back around. “Come with you? You’re trying this again?”

Castiel sighed. “Come on, Dean. We can do it this time, we’re in better positions… I have a place, you can easily move in. This is not like when my idiot 18 year old self said it this… this is real.” He stepped closer and whispered a tiny thank you when Dean didn’t take a step back.

“I… I don’t know. I don’t even think I know you anymore…” Dean mumbled.

“You’re making too many excuses, _again_.” Castiel nearly growled. He reached out to grab Dean’s hands. Dean jerked them back every so slightly but not fast enough for Castiel to not encompass them in his own. “This is something we can do,”

Everything about the situation worried Dean. Had Castiel planned this? Probably. Would this really work? Who knew.

“I still have shit here-,”

“Name one thing.” Castiel demanded.

“Um,” Dean stumbled on words. Why was he looking for an out? Just because there was a slight chance something could go wrong? “My job.”

Castiel scoffed. “I can get you another minimum wage job, or even a better one, in Chicago.”

This could go so well, Dean thought. Or it could go to shit, the other part of his brain said. Just try, he compromised with himself.

“Alright,” He mumbled.


	6. This Love Came Back to Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> helloooo   
> Im sorry i just started college and i found college is kind of horrible so i started writing more to get my mind off of everything so maybe, just maybe, expect more updates but i cannot promise much. maybe there will be little one shots outside this story who knows  
> have a nice day

Dean could not believe what he was doing. He literally could not wrap his head around the ridiculous decision he had made.

It was insane. It was something said in the spur of the moment, something said out of loneliness. He was feeling weak as if he was an insecure teenager all over again. Almost like someone pulled back the hands of time. It was utterly terrifying.

Dean was shaking as he sat on the couch in his soon-to-be abandoned apartment. All that was left was a couple of boxes filled with personal items he’d prefer to keep close. Castiel had called the movers yesterday after helping Dean pack for a good week or so. The movers came in and swept up the boxes so fast it never gave Dean time to process what was really going on.

So that lead him here, sitting alone on his beaten up couch that came with the raggedy apartment, rethinking where he really was in life now. How on earth did he left one boy waltz his way back into his life and proceed to watch as he turned it all upside down?

But he had missed Castiel, more than he ever realized. This was what he wanted. He wanted to live with him, to start a life with him. Something they could’ve done years ago but that was the past. Dean couldn’t dare to think anymore about the ways he felt wronged in the past. It was the past for a reason. He sat in the present, finally getting what his 18-year-old self-had longed for but it was yet to feel real. Maybe when he got to see the “Now Leaving Kansas” sign -- something he had never seen before -- it would feel like magic as if this was supposed to happen.

Dean was pulled out of his taunting thoughts when a knock came from his apartment entrance door. It slowly proceeded to open. Castiel peeked his head around the door, giving Dean a small smile.

“Are you almost ready? Is this the last of it?” Castiel motioned to the boxes next to the door as he stepped into the dull, lifeless apartment. He stood there, staring at Dean, with his hands in his neatly tailored slacks.

“Um,” Dean coughed. His head was still fuzzy with the overthinking. It was too common of a feeling. “Yeah, that’s just some personal items.”

Castiel started to approach the boxes out of curiosity. He watched Dean from the corner of his eye as if waiting for a reaction, but Dean still sat there motionless. There was nothing horrible in the boxes, just some essentials: hunting gear (well -- mainly just a collection of knives which were more for just protection than anything), old photographs, financial records, and even some letters -- some received and some never sent.

Castiel only got the hunting before speaking up. “Dean, why are you bringing a whole set of knives with?”

Dean shrugged. “They go where I go, always have,”

Castiel sighed and shook his head slightly, as if not believing Dean. “Well, maybe they shouldn’t. I don’t believe you’ll need those, my place is not in a bad area,” He took the knife collection out of the box carefully even though they were all wrapped tightly and safely.

Dean jumped from the couch and grabbed Castiel’s arm before he could take any more out. “They’re just for protection, they provide some type of comfort,”

They hadn’t even moved in yet and here they were already debating what really should be in their shared condo. Dean was worried this would end it all. This little thing would push both unstable minds off the edge and Castiel would call up the movers, telling them to make a U-turn. Instead, Castiel took a deep breath and rested his hand on Dean’s.

“How about you take one or two with you? I don’t think you need a collection, dear,”

Dear. How odd it was to hear that word, that little pet name, slip from his lips. Dean thought it was accidental but Castiel showed no sign of embarrassment or any intention of taking it back. He kind smirked at it. Everything was alright in the moment, no one was leaving one another, they could communicate and work things out. They had done it for little things before Castiel left but now everything felt bigger, so important. It terrified Dean.

“Fine, fine,” Dean nodded his head once he got out of his own thoughts for what felt like the millionth time that day.

Castiel smiled. He stepped back to allow Dean to choose the knives of his choice. He grabbed the largest ones and placed them in the box. Castiel seemed pleased and said, “We should return the others to the outdoor store on our way out of Kansas,”

Dean almost winced at those words but instead, he nodded in agreement. This is what it will be like, he thought. We compromise. We agree. We make things work because this has to work or else who knows where it’ll all end up.

“We should get going. We wanna get as far as possible before rush time starts,” Castiel broke the silence. He grabbed one of the boxes and proceeded out into the apartment building hallway. Dean stood in his empty kitchen not knowing what to feel at this point. It was becoming reality, it was turning into magic, he thought.

Picking up the second box, he glanced at the cracked clock sitting above the door. 1:15 PM. He noted it and nodded. Then, with his back to what he used to call home, Dean shut off the light, slammed the door, and followed Castiel down to the apartment building entrance.

***

About 4 hours in and Dean was ready to jump out the car. They were just barely over the Illinois border when the dreadful rush time traffic hit them. Dean looked around at the vast openness of southern Illinois and wondered how somewhere with only farmland could attract so much damn traffic.

It was literally so bare in Illinois so far. Dean felt he hadn’t ever left Kansas. It hit him for a second once they passed through the Kansas City and then some towns in the middle of Missouri but after that, Dean swore he had never left their starting point.

When bringing his concern to Castiel, he swore up and down to him that the further north they got, the better Illinois would look. He would start to see the city and all the fascinating tourist stops that came around it. He just had to hold on for 4 more hours. If that was even possible, Dean did not know.

***  
Eventually, Dean couldn’t take much of being in the car anymore, specifically Castiel’s eco-friendly hipster looking tiny car. He wanted his beauty back but she was currently being shipped to Chicago via some shipping company that claimed to specialize in shipping anything. Ultimately it was Castiel’s idea. He claimed he was worried Dean’s car would break down given its age. Dean swore it was in tip top shape and could handle anything. In the end, however, Castiel insisted his brand new clown car looking vehicle was the safest bet to take them over 8 hours away.

Just thinking about this annoyed Dean, so, outside of Springfield, he made Castiel make another stop for snacks and the rest of the essentials. Castiel reluctantly agreed.

The second Castiel stopped the car in the parking space, Dean was out and stretching his legs like he hadn’t stood in years.   
Castiel shook his head and gave out a chuckle. “So dramatic,”

Dean scoffed. “Like you enjoy sitting in this… box.”

Castiel shrugged, still a little smirk playing at his lips, “I find it perfectly comfortable,”

Playfully rolling his eyes, Dean chuckled, “Sure,”

Dean went a little excessive picking out all his snacks in the gas station. They didn’t have many more hours to go but to Dean, it felt like he lived in the car now. Castiel was very conservative when it came to snacking. He never used to be, Dean remembered, but a lot changed for both of them.

***  
They finally made it and Castiel was right, Dean could tell.

They were driving smoothly now. It was darker outside. The clock on the radio read 10:20 PM. Dean was yawning every now and then but he forced himself awake. He wanted to see this new city, the new condo… everything.

A city skyline made up of lights came into view moment later and it was a sight that made Dean gasp. The buildings glowed with such hope and vibrancy in the deep dark of the clear night. The shops at the base of the skyscrapers shined as Dean stared at them in marvel. It was a new city, so different from the one he had known. Everything seemed… crazier. And he certainly didn’t mean just the city.

Castiel stopped the car outside a very modern, sleek looking building. It fits in with the other skyscrapers around it but the entire section seemed very new compared to the torn apart buildings they had just driven through. This area was revived.

“We are here,” Castiel whispered before getting out of the car. Dean hesitantly followed.

They entered the building together, leaving the boxes in the car. Dean was too intrigued by where he would be living to worry about the items right now.

The entryway to the building had an equally sleek feel to it. There was a stainless steel elevator next to the cleanest stairs Dean has ever seen. His building was never like this. He was suddenly super curious about the price.

On the other side of the stairs were small mailboxes, some inscribed with last names, others with just condo numbers. Dean was so caught up with glancing around he didn’t hear the elevator ding until Castiel was clearing his throat and calling for him.

Castiel hit the number 3 in the elevator.

Dean chuckled. “We could’ve walked up three flights of stairs,”

“The elevator is here, might as well use it,”

Dean found himself nodding in agreement.

The elevator dinged at floor 3. Castiel exited first, Dean following right behind. He lead him down the dimly lit hallway. It looked alright for a hallway -- nothing like the entrance way.

They stopped outside of condo 3A. There was one other condo down away from them. It felt weirder having much more space. The apartments were always cramped and you were forced to know something about your neighbors. Here it felt less like community living and like you actually had your own space.

Castiel slid his key into the lock and slowly turned the lock, as if in anticipation. He pushed the door open and sighed in happiness. Home.

Dean followed slowly behind, taking in the modern condo before him. Castiel turned the lights on and everything shined before his eyes. So lovely, so happy, so welcoming. He never expected Castiel to live somewhere like this, somewhere so open and extravagant.

“Well… welcome home,” 


End file.
